On Friday, I got a letter from the DMV with a list of check boxes. There were 3 that were checked for me: "No further action needed to be taken" "No contact needed" "Please contact the DMV if there is any change or aversion to your medical issues". I called yesterday morning just to confirm. I waited 9 minutes...the lady on the phone had to check my file. My wishes came true after she said,"the file shows that you are clear to drive". Cecilio drove me to school (since I didn't feel exactly ready and plus, my school is half an hour away from home) and he picked me up, so we decided to have dinner at Savory Fried Chicken, a casual Filipino restaurant in Elk Grove. After that, he gave me his car keys. I went around the block and we went on the freeway. Afterwards, we went to Starbucks, talking and chilling. Then I drove back home.
Not being able to drive for a whole year was frustrating, humiliating and dehumanizing. I know my mom would tell me "be grateful that you have people who are able to take you to school" "be grateful you have health insurance" and of course I was super grateful. But dark thoughts clouded my mind. Like worry. Throughout my time in the graphic design program I couldn't drive (except for the last few weeks of my first semester), so I could not get a job or internship due to transportation issues. The bus system is terrible in Elk Grove and does not take you to many places in Sacramento, which sucks because there are many commuters living here. So because of not getting a job, I constantly was worrying about finding one after I graduate. To make up for it, I was designing flyers for the fashion club I am involved in. It still worries me, but I feel I am able to apply to all the places I wanted to now that I can drive again.
I also felt embarrassed. While most of my peers were driving, working and supporting themselves, here I was and I felt I was left behind. My mom appreciates it though because I have been able to help her out with housework and other things. We have been able to do things we thought we were able to do ever since my dad was gone.
And I hated it because it served as a reminder that lupus is something I have to deal with for the rest of my life. If I had it my way, I could just be able to drive, never take prednisone and have my slimmer body back and just take other meds. But life doesn't work that way. It throws unexpected curveballs. And it freaks me out especially with what I have been through for the past 5 years with myself and my dad. Like the quote in The Fault in Our Stars, "The world is not a wish granting factory". Who knows if I get another seizure again. But because I don't have epilepsy (one of my best friends, Jamie does, and she just got her license 2 years ago), they are controllable as long as I take my meds regularly.
I did have a horrible nightmare last night that Cecilio and I were on the plane to NYC and I forgot all of my meds. Thankfully I woke up and it wasn't the case. Our trip is in 2 weeks. I also believe that I had that dream because I am still quite traumatized about having that seizure in the Philippines last year (Borocay of all places!)
But I will appreciate and enjoy it every moment of it and do what it takes so it doesn't happen.
I feel free now.
And of course I am so freaking thankful for everyone (Cecilio, my sister and brother in law, my mom, friends, etc.) for everyones support. I felt so bad throughout all of it. And I guess it shows me that if something happened to my loved ones, I would totally be able to help them out.
As for today? I treated myself with my favorite snacks (Hot Cheetos and Haribo peach candy), went to Ulta and bought Revlon Under Eye Concealer and Too Faced Melted lipstick in Jelly Donut. It looks so beautiful on my lips. I wanted Melted Chihuahua but it was sold out. And because Best Buy is in the same shopping strip where Ulta is, I went ahead and got the new Imagine Dragons CD, Smoke and Mirrors. Finally, I got myself a Mocha Frapuccino from Starbucks since it's just a few blocks from my house.
I call this "The Reinstated License Haul".
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